Unconditional love: a love note to my son

You know you love your son when you want to go to bed so the morning can come sooner so you can cuddle with him. You know that unconditional love when you just want to hug and snuggle with him. You know the joy you feel when you see him grow and discover more and more.

We took logan to the mall tonight and got him a minion from build a bear. I put it in the stroller at his feet and his eyes just lit up. He showed this genuine interest and curiosity in it that made me beam.

There's points at night where fred is taking care of him and I want to do everything. To feed him to bathe him to cuddle him to sleep. I can't wait to play with him in the morning, to just be with him. My heart swells with this love I didn't know I was capable of. I can't wait to watch him grow up and develop and learn. To become a wonderful man I know he will. I love my bright eyes.

Never Again

Never again. That statement came out of my mouth about 5 times yesterday in the span of 45 minutes. Never again was I going to get this out of shape. Never again am I going to let my weight get this out of hand. Never again am I going to be this inactive.

Prior to this pregnancy I was working out 6 days a week hardcore. When I found out I was pregnant, I went to doing light workouts 3 days a week to total inactivity. My diet suffered too. I ate too much, I stopped watching what I ate, I wasn't eating healthy. By the end of my pregnancy, I had gained 86 pounds.

Now a bit of this was bloat from the preclampsia and I lost half of the weight in two weeks. But I still have that other half to lose. I think this is some of my issue with the anxiety and depression. It's hard on your body when you do a 180 like that. Also, there are issues when you are overweight and not eating properly.

If I ever become pregnant again, I'm not putting myself through this again. I will not stop working out, I will not eat too much or so carelessly. I will continue to treat my body with respect. I missed working out. I missed the healthy, good food. I am glad that I am well enough to start doing it all again.

Why I can't enjoy this age

So everyone keeps telling me to enjoy this age. That he won't be this small again, he won't be this cuddly again, he won't be this way again, that it all changes. But I just can't.

I don't know if that I'm not a newborn person or if I'm not good with something being this dependent on me. But I just cant.

I'm looking forward to him being more active. To being able to put him in his highchair and have him watch me while I put away the groceries. I look forward to talking to him and interacting with him, not just holding him and him staring off into the distance. I want to be able to play with my son, crawl around with my son, watch him explore.

Maybe it's hard on me right now cause I'm not well. I have to remind myself of that. I've never been one to look down on people with mental illness or say they aren't sick. Cause they are it's just different then what we think sickness is. But for some reason, I can't get myself to believe that I'm sick. I just wish I was better. I wish I was more like myself. I wish I could stop second guessing myself or looking too much into the future. My therapist says I need to be more present. It's what I have to work on. It's our goal for the next session. We will see how it goes.